Where do I start? Or go? Or begin again? Or do I just dust off the same old me and put me in a fresh, new display place, changing the scenery and objects around me?
I’m reminded of a time when I wondered how I could live with myself. How I could continue on in the same body, with the same thoughts, the same experiences, the same feelings. How nothing was ever going to be different but absolutely nothing was the same any more.
I’m single now. Existing in a life I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive on my own. It’s kinda ironic that my lifelong challenges with depression, anxiety and ptsd had nothing to do with my divorce.
I still have a few my constants in my life: my horses and my dogs. Most of the same faces remain. There have been a couple of changes. Never easy losing a fur friend.
My ‘new’ constants are my two grandloves… now 6 and 5. Who love me without conditions, bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart! And the hugs! My daughters are the loves of my life, but there is something extra special about grandloves!
In the last two years I have survived what I thought was going to kill me. I still don’t think I’m ‘living’ yet. I’m sustaining an existence. There are days when I feel ‘good’. Can tell myself that things are on the upswing, toward a brighter, more positive future.
However, most days I drag myself out of bed. Feed the dogs and the horses. Do barn chores. Do house chores. Go to work. Put on a brave, smiling face. Take my meds. Write ‘To Do’ lists (that sometimes get accomplished… sometimes get crumpled up and used as fire starter). Go to bed. Insomnia, anxiety, racing thoughts. Repeat. Every. Damn. Day.
I know the physical and emotional restrictions due to COVID aren’t helping any. I miss the physical contact of people. I love to hug! Being single and alone doesn’t do much for my aching need for physical contact with another warm human being.
Years ago, I wood burned a plaque that read: “Where do you go when the thing you are trying to escape from is you?”
I don’t know where the plaque went. I think I may have burned it one day in the wood stove in a moment of frustration and anger.
Where do you go? Obviously – No Where! Because, as we all know, “Where ever you go, there you are!”
Some days I try to like myself. Be proud of what I have accomplished and achieved. Other days, I’m a sobbing mess, drowning my feelings and insecurities in rum and coca-cola while binge watching Netflix and snuggling with the dogs.
So, the sun comes up every morning. And I force myself out of bed. I snuggle with the dogs, stick my nose into warm necks of the horse and pony, do my chores, go to work… continue on. Each day another new beginning to make positive choices and become the strong, independent individual I know I am inside… and know I am evolving into a better version of me every day!